Sunday, August 16, 2009

Losing It - Part 1

I am not an angry person. Most days I am quite the jovial bloke. I walk around town with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. But sometimes, the general mental incompetence of a select few pushes me to the edge of my sanity, causing me to lose my cool and have a small irrational meltdown.

I had mentioned before how some frustratingly detached vendors were making me angry. After a brief series of poor interactions with said vendors things got better. In fact, I had great interactions with many people. I thought my unfortunate collection of events had passed.

I, of course, was wrong.

It all started at the post office. Nothing especially memorable happened there, the place is just awful. No matter how hard I rack my brain I can think of few places on earth that are more awful than the post office. I mean at least the department of motor vehicles has seats! And there is the excitement in the air of teenagers thirsting for freedom has they get their license issued to them for the first time.

But the post office has absolutely no joy. None. Have you ever seen anyone completely beside himself to buy a stamp?


Everything about the post office says; "You will wait on lines, I will give you attitude, and you will leave here depressed, crying, and possibly broke."

Let me point out that I am not anti postal worker. I am very pro postal worker. In fact, mailmen and women are some of the friendliest people in town. They are super friendly. Heck, my grandpa used to be a letter carrier for many years and they just don't make them any better than my grandpa!

But the people who work in the post office... dude... I don't know what happened to them in their lives, but it certainly wasn't good.

I think one of the big issues with the post office is that nobody moves with any sort of purpose. It appears to be some sort of time vacuum. It is all slow motion and madness. The building doesn't even look like it is open to begin with. Everything looks worn and broken and the customers in there don't have the time to be there in the first place.

Plus it seems like to do anything you have to fill out 8 forms in triplicate. There is like 1 pen in the whole damn building and that piece of shit is hanging from the counter by a braided piece of tape and string that looks like it was tied there by a one armed monkey.

The post office is 90 times more difficult than it needs to be. The automated machine is the only good thing there. But of course there is only 1 of them and it has a purchase minimum. I try to use it for everything but it is just not possible. And god forbid I need to buy 1 stamp I have to actually go wait on that crazy snaking Disneyland line of misery and revulsion.

Even just standing on that line gives you a glimpse into a hell on earth you couldn't possibly know existed. You feel the hate of everybody in front of and behind you. People's heads swing around wildly, like they are searching for something. It is as thought they think that THEY will be the ones to figure out the mystery of the post office that has eluded man for thousands of years.

Everybody takes turns letting out exasperated sighs. Only like 2 out of the 9 stations are actually staffed and open and you constantly see postal workers walking around behind the counter looking like they just came out of a coma.

I left there feeling like my soul had been sucked out through my eyeballs. And when I'm feeling soulless I head to a place that can provide me with a quick pick-me-up. I turn to my addiction.


Now, I have a discerning donut palate. There are few places that live up to my standards. But when I'm jonesing I head over to a nationally famous donut chain for a cream filled creation of laughter and love.

But what I end up with is a decrepit relic that tastes like I am on an archaeological dig for the fossilized remains of what once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, might possibly, on a rainy Tuesday, maybe known as cream.

In fact it is not only the donuts that have gone down hill at this establishment, the quality of the service has taken a flying leap into the pits of horribility.

It is not just the donuts that are hollow, I am almost sure the heads of the employees are as well.

It boggles my mind because I am not sure what job could be better than handing people donuts.

What's that you say? Oh you want a donut? Oh how awesome is that because I have a donut! I have lots of donuts!

Your job is to hand people donuts. DONUTS! The last time I was in there I told they guy I wanted 30 munchkins, but the look on his face mad it seem like I had asked him to find the derivative of the square root of the metric weight of Neptune.

He asked me to repeat my request again, but I wasn't exactly sure what he was saying because he wasn't making eye contact and I could barely hear the words coming out of this guy's mouth.

I can understand that you may not be some sort of highly evolved brain genius, but surely, SURELY, you must know that you must say your thoughts out loud for other people in the universe to hear you. Right?

He asked me to repeat my order 3 times, but because he was so poor at speaking and making his question clear, I had no idea what was going on and was just getting upset.

Just give me some F#*$&^% munchkins you moron!

I knew I had really lost it when donut holes are sending me to the verge of a brain hemorrhage. You know you are in a bad way when you walk into a donut shop looking for a fight.

While I've come to expect an awful time going to the post office or buying sweet treats, I definitely did not expect to get into a fight in the library.

But that is exactly what happened next.

To Be Continued...


Howdy, you can call me Grey. said...

Don't make us wait until NEXT week!!!

Anonymous said...

What a great post Richard, but I could feel your frustration! I'm afraid I'm guilty of the "sigh" when I have to (shudder) stand in line at the bank. I don't understand why the busiest bank times (lunch hour) have only one teller with dozens of sweaty angry hurried and stressed out people trying to do their banking at lunch hour! UGH! Can't wait to hear about the library!
I worked the midnight to 6am shift at Dunkin Donuts about 23 years ago. I was that guy who "made the donuts" was so much fun, especially when the Reggae Club across the street let out the revellers at 4am! That was a lesson in patience actually, trying to follow the drunken requests, lol!

Rowena... said...

There, there, there now...if by chance we should ever meet, I will make you a fresh batch of bomboloni all for yourself. Just don't ask me to fill them with nutella because I don't touch that fake s---, oh let's just leave it at fresh bomboloni out of the fryer, ok?

Meeko Fabulous said...

I HATE the post office. I think I'll have to send you a bottle of wine to help mellow you out . . . but I'll have to figure it out without going to the post office . . . LOL! :)

Caroline B said...

I'm so with you there - I've taken to driving to a small, friendly, village P.O. rather than suffer the attitude at the town one (see, it's universal, not just your side of the Atlantic!)
Library, eh?.......intriguing.......

Jeninacide said...


OMG the post office is pretty much the edge of a dark abyss. I wonder what really goes on behind those counter. I bet the post office employees are really brain-feeding zombies.

ArtSparker said...

I hear you on the Post Office. Here in Oakland they are retiring the stamp vending machines because it's hard to find parts for them. Longer lines! Then there's the lady who comes out and asks if she can help with anything other than something that would involve her getting behind the %$@@#$ window. In general, there is a feeling of people who are moving ever more slowly as the titanic sinks - my postal carrier told me that as a result of the recession he gets off work hours earlier than he used to.