Sunday, September 20, 2009

Second Puberty

As I continue on this meandering path into manhood, I am learning many things. One of those things is the fact that I can't spend my whole life walking around looking like I just woke up. I need to get my life in order so that as I venture deeper into my late 20s I look like a semi-competent individual instead of just, well, an idiot.

It seems that no matter how old I am, my body is always entering a new form and a new stage of puberty. And the puberty of my late 20s has brought some changes I did not expect.

The first time I hit puberty, though repugnant to girls, and with a voice like a broken cello, life was relatively easy. My personal grooming consisted of brushing my teeth and showering. There might have been some deodorant involved as well. But basically that was it.

And in terms of self-beautification, well, that was just using large quantities of hair gel and/or hairspray to shape my hair into a perfect quaff. It was not uncommon for me to spend 10 minutes coaxing individual hairs into place. They night have been stubborn but I knew that my will could outlast that of any of my hairs on any day.

Apparently that will only applies to the hairs that grow on the top of my head.

Recently I noticed a rogue nose hair. For the last quarter century of my life, these little guys stayed neatly tucked away and were of no concern to me. This fella, due to unknown circumstances, had started a slow, creeping escape from the nasal cave. I'm not sure what his thought process was. Perhaps it was something like;

I have spent my entire life in this windy darkness... I SEEK THE LIGHT!

The day I noticed my friend was going AWOL, I panicked. Wasn't this something that was supposed to happen in my late 50s? Didn't I have time until such a point in which my teenage daughter bought me an electric nose hair clipper for Father's Day?

I'm sure it was probably one of those things that I noticed but nobody else did. But what if somebody did notice? It is not like having spinach in your teeth or an eyelash on your face. There is no quick fix. There is no smooth way to hide this nose hair. I can't exactly comb him back into place.

Having no nose hair clippers and seeing the immediate peril in tying to shove a scissor into my shnoz, I opted for the tweezers.

Yea, I know. It was a bad decision.

Let me tell you, there are few sensations more disturbing than the feeling of pulling a hair out of your nose. I am not sure how to describe it other than it feel like you are sneezing pain.

The mission was successful but I was left with a predicament. Was I supposed to just admit defeat and by the nose hair trimmer now? Was I going to be that guy? The guy in his 20s with a nose hair clipper. Or should I just yank the bastard out the next time he made a break for the border?

I still have not made the decision. And I don't like either option. But let me tell you, the anxiety is killing me.

The nose hair debacle, though unexpected, came with a pretty obvious solution. Things that happen on the outside of my epidermis are easy to react to and I can usually form my own opinions about a solution. The things that happen inside my body, well, I just take other people's advice.

The more I read about what I should be doing to stay healthy, the more trusting (or gullible) I become.

For a long time I never took vitamins. Once I had consumed my last grape Fred Flintstone, I pretty much retired vitamin taking. Now that has changed. I take my multi-vitamin, a Vitamin C, and because doctors everywhere tell me to, a fish oil capsule.


Have you ever in your life heard of a more disgusting thing to eat for breakfast? If my mother told me when I was a child that I had to eat fish oil every morning before I left the house... I probably would have run away from home.

Granted the fish oil is sealed in a tasteless, easy to swallow capsule, but it is still fish oil. And every once in a while, a couple hours after I've had one, I will catch one of those burps that lets you know exactly what is in your stomach.

And let me tell you, a fish Eggo combo is not an awesome taste.

During my first puberty I don't really recall spending much time on foot maintenance either. In fact, I recall spending exactly zero time on foot maintenance.

Perhaps you are aware of my recent experience with the PedEgg. After that very unrewarding interaction I figured I needed professional help. I decided it was time to let a strange Asian woman I'd never me before, take care of my feet.

I got a pedicure.

I know, I know. I am doing the opposite of manly things. But stay with me on this.

My feet had deteriorated to the point of needing professional assistance. It's a strange thing to take a part of your body that most people find completely repulsive and shove it in someones face for them to make it better.

Here you go strange tiny Asian woman, fix them. FIX THEM NOW!

I didn't know exactly what to expect from the experience. I couldn't tell if the woman scrubbing my feet hated me or just wasn't paying attention to me because the 3 times I tried to start a conversation with her, she just didn't respond. I took this as a sign that we were not destined to become friends and that this was strictly a business relationship.

I was pleased with the results. But maybe not enough to make it a regular activity like eating fish oil daily or yanking hairs out of my nose. But the smoothness of my feet was noticeable and appreciated. Maybe this puberty wouldn't be so bad after all.

Until of course I hit my 30s. God only knows where the hair will start to grown then.


Pat said...

At least you're a MAN. It's worse for a WOMAN when a stray hair or two (or, yikes! more) start to show up on HER chin! WTF? It's not good, no sir, not good at all.

I've yet to have a pedicure because I am extremely ticklish and I am so afraid I'll kick the woman in the face when she touches my feet or massages my calves.

So, now that you got that pedicure and all, does that make you a metrosexual kind of guy? I'm just saying...

rxBambi said...

Umm, that hair will be on the outer ridges of your ears. You MUST get your wife to pluck those, otherwise when you stand with the light behind you it will illuminate the little buggers and you will have little hairy halos all around your ears. Trust me, I've seen them.
I wrestle my hubby to the ground once a week or so and pull those suckers out. He thinks its torture, I love it.

Nancy said...

Oh my, I needed this laugh today. How our bodies change over time. Things I used to laugh at are now serious considerations. (See Pat's first paragraph.) What's really bad is when you are thinking you are looking pretty good and one of your twenty-something children will look at you with that slight head tilt and furrowed eyebrows, as if to say "what the hell? - "

Great post.

Jeninacide said...

Hahaha!! Whoo! You are so funny!

I have a stray neck hair that likes to grow just along my jaw line. Like, GROSS! I hate it when that hair rears it's ugly head.

Oh, and based on the looks of my husband's back compared to what it looked like 10 years ago (unfortunately before we met) that is probably where you will find the next hairs. Hate to break it to you, but someone had to. LOL!

Caroline B said...

Just think of it as an eyebrow that went astray.....let's put it this way, at least you are growing hair, not losing it!
Totally agree with Pat's first paragraph, too depressing for words.

Membership and said...

You didn't mention that you were pushed to participate in the pedicure as a "team building" activity with your otherwise all-women team at work. You were a really good sport (crap is that a sports analogy again?)about the whole thing. Next time we will have to go to a nail salon that is more of a pampering experience. That place was a little factory like. Oh, and just remember, you weren't the one whose lady used rubber gloves!

Jimmy said...

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trim down excess hairs in the ears and nostrils. You can get cheap nose hair clippers here

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Not who I will be said...

Let's go get pedicures!

And good luck with the nose hairs, because runaway nose hairs are never attractive. Just wait until they start gripping onto your nostrils like little shower curtain hooks, or a nose piercing that you never wanted...I actually saw that yesterday and shuddered.