Sunday, December 6, 2009

The First Rant

Since I began writing this blog, I have had many ideas for stories that never made it into a post. For the most part, these ideas are just one-liners too one dimensional to be fully fleshed out.

And more often than not they just get added to a rapidly growing list of ideas that never get used. Seeing as that document is now approaching 12 pages, this is my best effort to purge myself of these baby rants.

Home Made

In the south you come across a lot of signs that say "homemade." I don't know how this became the go-to marketing ploy of restaurants. To me it seems very similar to slapping the word "eco-friendly" on a product. But even if eco-friendly is a lie, it still implies something good. "Homemade" doesn't necessarily means something is good.

Do you know how many homemade things come out awful? Half the shit I "home make" tastes disgusting. Homemade means, "not made by professionals." Would you ever get on an airplane that said "homemade" on the side?" Would you use aspirin if it said "homemade"on the label?

Vanity Plates

If you have an idea for a vanity license plate you should have to submit it to a panel of judges at the Department of Motor Vehicles. And if that panel can't guess what it means within 5 seconds, you are not allowed to have that vanity plate. It is not fair for you to have a secret joke that I don't get on your license plate.

It will piss me off while I am driving. And then I will all of my time tailgating you to see if I can decode your plate. You might as well have a magic eye poster on your bumper.

Concert Encores and Side to Side Hand Waving

I understand there are some songs where some side to side hand waving seems appropriate or even matches up with the beat. But it has gotten out of hand. How did hand waving become the pinnacle of fun? "Oh my god here it comes. We are about to start waving our hands side to side, I am so excited."

Pretending I am a wind wiggler does not make me feel good. If I am really enjoying a movie or a good steak, I don't throw my arms into the air and start waving them around. I like to have most of my fun with my hands at my sides thank you very much.

And concert encores have gotten so predictable. Who doesn't know when an encore is coming? "Oh look the band stopped playing. Jeez, I sure do wonder if they are going to play an encore. Why are all the lights still off? I wonder if... oh my god the band is back on stage it's a MIRACLE!"

Just once I would like to see somebody come on stage and say, "Hey, I'm going to stand up here and rock your face off for 2 hours and give you the best concert I can. Screw the encore." That would be something I could get behind.

Light Beer

I understand that I am easy to make fun of. Seriously. Spend any amount of time with me and you will not be at a loss for material. But if you drink light beer you are no longer allowed to challenge MY masculinity. You know what light beer is? Diet soda for alcoholics.

Beer fills you up for a reason. It means you're done. And if you are full but not drunk, you shouldn't be drinking anymore. Drinking copious amounts of light beer while condescending to me does not make you tough. It makes you fat AND rude. Grab a real beer and leave the light beer to 10th graders and people who hate beer.

Teenagers

Speaking of 10th graders, it is really easy to hate teenagers.

That's it. Just wanted to mention it.

Flying

Every time somebody says "Have a good flight" to me, I always respond by saying thanks. But what else am I supposed to say? "Thank you, I'll try?" I know its just people being polite but my brain always wants to say "Oh yea, good point. I'm actually co-pilot for this one so I will be extra careful." Being on an airplane is one of those scenarios where you have absolutely NO control over the quality of your journey.

You don't get to pick the route, the plane, the pilot, where you sit, who sits next to you, how many people you travel with, etc. The only thing you are given the option of is whether you want the chicken or the pasta and even that doesn't matter because they microwave the hope out of everything so it all ends up tasting the same thing anyway.

Old Phone

How come in old movies when the phone rings and there is nobody on the other end of the line or they get disconnected, the person always hits the hang up button 3 or 4 times? Is there something in their mind that says hanging up on the person will make them reappear? Has this ever worked to get the caller back on the line? What is the logic progression that led to this? When you open the door and there's nobody there, do you close it and open it 3 more times just to make sure?

The Movies

When a film starts in a movie theater it is always, "MGM is PROUD TO PRESENT."

Well who is going to go see a film that starts out, "MGM IS SLIGHTLY ASHAMED AND RELATIVELY EMBARRASSED TO PRESENT:______?"

Food Network

I must I admit I am a little bit behind the times because I don't have cable but for some reason I get The Food Network. I been watching this channel a lot lately and holy crap I am addicted! Has anybody else seen this channel? Right, I'm sure you probably all have. But this channel is my crack!

I find it so inspiring. I go into my kitchen after watching some amazing concoction on TV feeling all ambitious and ready to create a masterpiece but all I have in there is peanut butter, spaghetti, and garlic salt. Here's an idea Food Network, instead of giving me recipes based on your suggested ingredients, why not base a show around the ingredients I have in my kitchen? You could call it something new every week. The first show would be called Peanut Butter, Spaghetti and Garlic Salt.

And the dish would be good. It has to be.

It's home made.

12 comments:

Caroscene said...

Im a little offended that you think women should drink light beer. Its been said I'm not the best example of "woman" but I'll pretty much drink any beer.

just so everyone knows the word verification required by blogger.com today for me is "DINGLYZ" lolz

Caromel said...

OH and I hate to break it to you but that food channel addiction youre talking about...I used to have it when I had no cable too. Turns out that it was really just an addiction to TV and food in general. Now that I have cable and enough money to properly feed myself i almost never watch the food network LOL

ps: its PINES this time. I miss DINGLYZ...SMOOSH RULES!

Boomka said...

@Caroscene You are of course right Caro. I changed my stance. Thank you for maintaining equal rights in our society.

scala said...

magic eye poster on your bumper :)

light beer = decaf coffee

rxBambi said...

When you open the door and there's nobody there, do you close it and open it 3 more times just to make sure?

LOL!
Great Rants. Do you know Little Ms Blogger? She does a Rant and Rave Wednesday. Check her out this week.
http://littlemsblogger.blogspot.com/

Caroline B said...

Add clapping to hand-waving - why clap along to music en masse and generally out of time? I resolutely refuse to clap or wave my hands..
Teenagers...yup.
I like the idea of a home-made plane, that would put a new spin on someone telling you to have a good flight!

Mary Solecki said...

This is your best one yet. Perhaps this is because I keep the same list, or perhaps it is because we operate from disturbingly similar views of the world. Your list is awesome.

Oh, and I feel the same way about encores. I went to a show once where the artists did too, and they did it. They said "screw it, we're just gonna play through til we're out of time. So cheer now."

Nancy said...

Always so entertaining to come vist. I, too, like food network! My daughter is addicted. BTW, I no longer like regular beer - my children have changed me forever. Pale ale is pretty darn good.

And I think I'm the only one in America that likes teens. I remember one lady standing up in one of my classes saying she wanted to work with any age group but adolescents. I, on the other hand, wanted to work only with adolescents. Weird, huh? Except my own - when they were adolescents, of course. Annoying little...

jorg wobblington lopez said...

Up until now I didn't think it was strange to hand wave at dinner. So that was what all those strange looks were for.

Pat said...

That was great! I, too, try to figure out license plates! As a matter of fact, I've been keeping a running list of them for a post. I HATE when I can't figure out what the plate means, damn it!!

This is very funny stuff!

Jeninacide said...

I am also addicted to the Food Channel (I am the daughter that Nancy was talking about in the comment above- heh.)

As a fellow Food Network addict, I shall have to inform you that there actually IS a show like the one you have proposed. I think it was Tyler Florence or Bobby Flay (I confuse the two)- they go into people's houses and make masterpieces out of what they have in their cupboards. I don't know if it's still running or not though. Probably one of those that got bumped to the 4AM slot. Heh.

nowimagrownup said...

Okay - so I'm SO behind on your blog, but I just found it yesterday and can't stop reading. I followed the link on your latest rant to this one, and I laughed throughout the entire thing.

You — my new, hilarious friend — are a comedic gem. Thank you for saying the things I think. (Especially the vanity plate thing. And Food Network. What can we make with Ramen Noodles, pickles and ranch dressing? Because I think that's all I have right now.)

Oh, and as someone from the south, I can definitely vouch for the fact that everything homemade is not good. Or even edible.