Sunday, January 3, 2010

I'm Done

I've come to a decision: I'm ready to retire.

Now I know what you are thinking. "Rich you are too young and full of pep and zest to head south for the rest of your life!" But I really don't think I am. I've taken stock of the things I enjoy in my life, and the things I would be able to do as a retiree, and aside from the fact that I have no idea how I would be able to support myself financially... I really do think it is about time for me to retire.

As I cross the hump from my early 20s into my late 20s, I have started to wonder: shouldn't I be a millionaire already?

When I was in my teens I looked at 25 as the pinnacle of my life. That would be the year of my prime, the year in which I was wanted by gorgeous women, making tons of money and reveling in my success.Well since rounding 26 and heading deeper into this decade of my life, I realize the only gorgeous women who want me are those who need a jar of jelly opened. I certainly don't make tons of money. And after some unmet expectations, I have redefined success as getting through the whole day with my fly closed.

So if I can't have the life I had anticipated, I might as well fast forward to the end of this movie and head right into retirement. I think it is really the best option at this point.

My parents are retired and living in South Carolina. This is a fine place to retire. Visiting them makes me realize that while I may have to give up certain things I enjoy to live in a place like they do, the benefits to my life would far outweigh any losses I would suffer.

Here is why I think I should retire.

While I enjoy an active and engaging lifestyle I also really like doing nothing. Not the kind of nothing that involves bumming around the house, fiddling with this and that. No. I mean nothing! Staring out the window at a tree kind of nothing. Doing so much nothing that I fall asleep because I am so relaxed. That is the kind of nothing I can really sink my teeth into.

Here is a rough itinerary for the days I typically spend visiting my parents.

Wake up, eat, golf, eat, nap, eat, watch TV, read, eat, sleep.

This is by far the most beautiful schedule I have ever seen. Picasso couldn't have painted a better schedule if he put its nose on the side of its face. Now the activities may switch place or occur in a different order, and once in a while there will be something additional like "shopping" or "visit Savannah" or "eat thirty cookies" thrown in. But for the most part, the schedule here is pretty accurate.

I would like to take this moment to point out that the golf is not a fixed structure on the calendar. While I generally enjoy golf I am so bad at it I really do question why I continue to play. It is a sport that entails a fair amount of adding. And the way I swing the club I have to do a lot of adding. The ball never goes in a straight path. And I usually end up spending half the day walking around the woods like I'm trailing Sacagawea.

Retirement relaxes you... I'm guessing. At least I feel relaxed when I am pretending I am retired. The only reason I even wear my watch when I visit is to make sure I didn't miss my tee time. Otherwise who needs a watch? What was I going to miss? It is always time to eat a cookie and take a nap. Always.

And as for my phone I just leave it in my room. Nobody calls me. The only person that calls me is my friend Megan and I'm pretty much the only person that calls her. So if we both walked around without our phones the only thing we would be wondering about is what the other person is doing.

In fact a lot of the time I turn my phone off. Why not? Nobody is going to call me to ask me to have dinner or hang out or anything like that. All my friends are 800 miles away. Who is calling me? Phone, you can be turned off.

I want to lead a life like these dogs I saw in the backyard of one of the houses on the golf course.

Any place where dogs hang out on lounge chairs has to have something really special about it.

Now maybe you think I am going to miss out on some really important things by skipping right to retirement.

Like what?

Working for 40 more years? Pass. Fighting commuters, crazy cab drivers, and mass hordes or tourists? Pass. Battling the freezing cold? Really pass.

The only concern I have is how I will support myself financially. And to be honest I really don't know how I will do it. But I'm sure there is a lot of money to be made in the untapped market of opening jars for old ladies. And as long as my fly stays up, I will have all the success I need.


Nancy said...

You had me rolling on this one, Richard. I could relate so well. My husband is semi-retired. Meaning one of those phone calls will eventually send us back to the real world, but for now we are retired. I'm not sure he CAN go back to work after 21 months off. Who knew? Doing absolutely nothing is wonderful. Luckily our children are grown, educated, and we can retire if we want. Of course working off the cookies takes some discipline, and we lack a 25-year-old metabolism, but I can relate to you wanting to skip the intervening years of work, work, work! Napping is much better. Maybe you could move back home? Just join your folks and their friends...

Not so good for dating, though.

April said...

Ahhh Rich. It does sound nice doesn't it?! Take it from someone who got an early taste of retirement this entire past year - it's nice at first, and then you start to go stir-crazy and wonder what on earth your purpose is if all your do is sleep, eat, exercise, drink coffee and read. You actually run out of things to talk about with people because nothing ever seems to be going on in your life but sleeping, eating, reading, drinking coffee, and exercising. You do feel rested, like REALLY rested, for the first time since you were a wee-one though... :-)

Caroline B said...

If you are under 50, I don't think it's called retirement, it's called winning the Lottery! Always been something I've aspired to as I think I could achieve more in my life by being 'retired' than slogging in to work each day. It's not going to happen to me though, I think you have to buy a ticket or something?

Jeninacide said...

I would also like to retire, but I would like to use my retirement time to travel around the world and stay in lavish hotels and see the sites. LOL!

I guess I will have to win the lottery first. Or become the next J. K. Rowling...heh.

I would probably be better at writing crappy vampire romance novels for tweens.

Pat said...

I hope that was just a typo that you needed a watch for "tee tee" time. I'm assuming you meant tee time for golf, and not a watch for when it's time to pee. Anyhoo.....

We're in this retirement community for the winter, which I must add that I am TOO YOUNG to be here but my husband is my ticket in. These people know how to party. There is NO REST FOR THE WEARY. Tues and Thurs there is Music in the Courtyard, where we sit and listen to a band and drink. Saturday there is usually a dance and we dance, listen to the music and did I mention, drink? The other days of the week we might get together for happy hour and, what's that? Yes, drink. Or we might get together for bocce ball or dominoes and also, yes, my friend, DRINK.

This is a very active community and just 'cause most of the people here have gray hair doesn't mean they are old!

Take that you young whippersnapper!