Sunday, July 18, 2010

Why Bugs Love Me or How Angelina Jolie Saved My Life

Be it my charming personality, my succulent skin, or perhaps my manly scent of awesomeocity, bugs frigging love me. And not just some bugs. All bugs everywhere, all the time, always.

This is a problem for me because I do not love bugs. I do not like them in my face; I do not like them in my place. I know they have an evolutionary purpose and they have a spot in the universe and all that crap. That’s awesome. Good for the bugs. But I don’t want them near me.

If I am in a group of people I seem to be the one that the bugs seek out. Perhaps the reflection of the sun off my pasty white skin makes all bugs think I am some sort of beacon of buggy hope.

Something about me seems to make bugs think it is OK to just stick parts of their ass into my skin. Bees, mosquitoes, whatever. That is not OK. No.

I am also not OK with even the sounds of flies. You know when they buzz so close to your ear and rattle your eardrum so severely it feels like a monkey is shaking your spine.

Maybe you don’t know, because that fly is always hanging out near my ear and nobody else sees it, they just see me slap my own ear like I’m trying to quiet the voices.

The only bug I am OK with landing on me is a lightning bug. They are so unique, and bright. But perhaps all these other bug attacks are payback from those lightning bugs I stepped on so I could see them glow… dead.

Yea, that was probably a poor decision.

But I apparently have “Sweet blood.” Which god help me if Vampires ever really do overwhelm the earth, I am going to be like the amuse-bouche of the undead.

I remember getting bitten by mosquitoes a lot as a child. But there was no time more outrageous than my first trip to Jamaica.

I was there for a convention during high school and I was staying in a house that didn’t have any air conditioning. So they left the windows open and had multiple fans going all night long. However this didn’t stop the mosquitoes from biting.

When I woke up I noticed the dozens of bites I had received on my exposed parts overnight. They weren’t just little bites that rose into a round circle. No, these were Picasso bites. Rising and elevating themselves into impressionist type shapes across my very sweaty epidermis.

Over the course of those 4 days I received over 130 mosquito bites that swelled and spread until I looked like a 3D topographical map of the earth.

I was reminded of all this bug hatred a couple weekends ago when my sister and I went up to Maine for a little R&R.

We were having a perfectly wonderful weekend until it came time for a little lakeside relaxation at night. Instead of hosing myself down in DDT and pesticides like one of our friends did, I thought I would use a little bit of common sense and just wear some long pants and sleeves.

And of course, common sense failed me again.

The mosquitoes BIT ME THROUGH MY CLOTHES. THROUGH MY JEANS. What kind of bugs were these? Thick heavy cotton and long sleeves protecting me and yet they STILL managed to pierce through to me.

Do you know who didn’t get bit? The guy in shorts and a t-shirt who was sitting outside drenched in bug spray - he was OK. The guy wearing pants and sleeves? Not so much.

But the culmination of it all happened back at my apartment. The scene of the worst bug experience of my life.

For the past 2 years, my… situation had been almost nonexistent. After those first 2 isolated incidents, I had lived a pretty much relaxed and uninterrupted experience.

But that all changed this past week.

I was in my bathroom getting ready for bed. Now I’ve mentioned before that since I live alone I rarely close the bathroom door. And I was changing out of my clothes when I saw him out of the corner of my eye.

The ghost of Barry Bonds was back in my apartment. Just as grotesque and awful. This was Larry Bonds.

And Larry Bonds was just outside my bathroom door facing away from me. If I had been in a better mood I might have laughed at the fact that Larry Bonds appeared to be mooning me. But I was too busy obsessing over the idea that either he had to die, or I was going to commit suicide, because I couldn’t live like this.

I think it is also worth pointing out that I was naked at this point in time.

Of course. Of course I am going to see Larry Bonds when I am completely naked and feeling most vulnerable. I panicked. My bathroom light was on but the rest of my apartment was dark. And if he made a break for it, I would never find him, which means I wouldn’t be able to sleep that night, nor any of the nights after it, spinning me into a maze of stress and psychosis that would ultimately see me losing my job, apartment, and friends, and just sitting under a bridge with a can of Raid screaming “LARRY BONDS CAN GO F*** HIMSELF!”

Luckily I realized that was not my best option.

I quickly scanned the bathroom for a weapon. My eyes caught the toilet brush.

Long enough to strike, but not really a killing type of weapon. I have stepped on creatures like this that then popped up and ran away cursing at me in Spanish (I imagine).

Toilet brush was no good.

I then grabbed the toilet brush holder.

But realized it didn’t give me the grip I needed for a killing blow.

I was panicking; he was going to make a break for it at any moment I knew it.

And then I saw her.

She was like a vision, a beacon, and a symbol of hope. Angelina’s scimitar eyes gazing up at me (still naked mind you) from the cover of my Vanity Fair magazine sitting on the floor of my bathroom.

Remembering that Jason Bourne had once used a rolled up magazine to stab a guy in the eye, I figured I could do something similar to kill this beast. I grabbed the magazine and rolled it up tightly.

I took one step out of the bathroom and he made a break for it.


I quickly swatted, clipping him on the side, he jogged away and into the dark. I took another swat, smashing him into my floor. Success!

But because these things are obviously robot aliens from space he was still twitching.


So I grabbed a sneaker, put it on, and stepped on him with all of my weight. Compressing him so hard I fully expected and hoped to see a cucaracha shaped diamond stuck in my sneaker when I was done.

But that did not happen. Only death. And that was success enough for my naked self.

I went to bed relaxed and relieved, realizing it wasn’t clothes that I needed to give me the strength and courageous fortitude to defeat bugs... just Angelina Jolie.


Pat said...

"Awesomeocity" - I love it! You running around naked going all "Jason Bourne" on a bug. Thanks for the visual! This was hysterical!

BTW - mosquitoes LOVE me too!

I wouldn't mind being bit by a vampire if it were Eric or Bill from True Blood! Yum!

Kim Humes said...

haha your posts are so hilarious. Couldn't wait to read this after seeing the interesting title. I agree with Pat as well that I wouldn't mind those bites either (tee hee)

Kara said...

I love reading your blog. it makes me want to be friends with you in real life. A gal can dream!

-Kara @ and

Caroline B said...

Nice to know Angelina has some purpose in life........
Had a major fight with a large moth last night, nearly lost too - why do they always aim at your mouth when you are leaping around screaming?
So glad we don't get 'roaches...

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Pretty sure you would not have like the ginormous moth that was in my bedroom the other day dive bombing me and causing me to run screaming from my bedroom while my dog just looked at me like I was crazy.

Stephanie Ann said...

Believe it or not, it is your pasty whiteness that the bugs are attracted to. For some reason bugs seek out fair skin... Trust me on this, I know!

TbR said...

Stephanie Ann's comment does seem to hold water. I'm white as a sheet and unfairly victimised by insects everywhere I go - and I've had them bite me through jeans too. I had no idea that could happen - but happened it did, and several times. The bastards.

librarygirl said...

This genuinely made me laugh out loud. I recently had an unfortunate incident where a daddy-long-legs tried to zoom down my ear canal. I don't think I've ever screamed quite so loud in my life. I also felt your pain when you talked about the supersucking mosquitoes that somehow manage to burrow through clothing. A couple of weeks ago I was at a ball and somehow manage to get bitten through a steel-boned corset and full length, flouncy skirt. How the bastards manage to eat their way through metal, I will never know.

Cathy said...

Why do these things always happen when we are naked in the bathroom? Just the other day (in the bathroom) I hit a fly that was buzzing around and only winged him. I didn't have my contacts in (or my clothes on) so when I bent down to pick up his dead carcass with a tissue I didn't quite see that he wasn't quite dead! It started flying around, but with only 1 good wing it was flying haphazardly in my naked direction - and I couldn't move away fast enough! I swear, if there had been a video camera I could have won lots of money - Naked, Screaming Girl Running from Fly!

Angelina still has those pursed lips even after being used as a bug swatter - that's a celebrity for you!

PrettyPrincessXo said...

Hahahaha! I love you! Well, alright, maybe not 'you' perse. I know, disappointment. But your blog!

After I saw the title I knew it would be a good one! & Of course, as always, it was!

Allie Howell said...

Bugs outnumber humans 200 million to one. Bugs have lived on Earth more than 300 million years. Bugs comprise 80 percent of the animal kingdom, so you'd think the numbers would count for something.


They are horrid creatures who deserve nothing less than a sentence to a date with the Terminex man.

Rowena... said...

I have stepped on creatures like this that then popped up and ran away cursing at me in Spanish

All of a sudden, the cucaracha song started playing in my head.
La cucaracha, La cucaracha, ya no puede caminar
Porque le falte, porque no tiene
Dinero para gastar

Iqbal Ismail said...


Cassie said...

GOOD GOD I thought I was the only one. Bugs ADORE me, and I don't know why they find me so adorable. To add insult to injury, I just moved to the countrylands of Maryland, where it's even buggier than most respectable places. I have to open my door, get inside and close the door in the span of .02 seconds unless I want to spend the rest of the night following bugs around while hopelessly attempting to kill them. Basically, I have to be a ninja.

It sucks, this "sweet blood" thing.

Los Schoenys said...

That's why she played Lara Croft and Mrs. Smith. She's such a badass!

RedWriter said...

Vanity Fair? Naked? Angelina? The bug was most likely sat there with a raised eyebrow thinking 'Rich, please, not again. Did we not have this conversation before?'. :) x

Megan said...

common sense always least in my case. perhaps is you attempt to stop trying to use common sense things will go more smoothly.

do you think Angelina felt your naked crushing vibes?

It's All Good said...

well atleast shes good for something! I was on the laptop last night chatting with a friend and keeing an eye on a cockroach taht was just chilling in my living room and *BAM* the electricty goes off for a minute. I panicked! the lights came back on and I couldnt he had escaped! I sprinted up the stairs in fear that it'll chase me! I hate stupid bugs!