Sunday, January 30, 2011

Nature vs. Boehmcke

Nature is trying to kill me.

Well not nature per say, but the animals from nature. The wild beasts that roam the urban jungle that is New York City. They may be tiny, and really dirty, but they are also deadly-ish. Just go with me on this one. I will prove to you, how these creatures are after me.

Incident #1: The Squirrel Assassin

My bedroom has 2 windows next to each other. In one window is my air conditioner, a big honking piece of metal that sits half in my room, and half outside. For the first 6 months that it was in there I had high blood pressure worrying that it would fall out and drop 7 stories to smash on the ground. But so far, so good. The window next to the one with the air conditioner is unobstructed except for a child safety gate bolted over the outside of the window.

I do not have a child, but it was there when I moved in. And since I am lazy, and sometimes get out of bed in my sleep, I thought it best to leave it there just in case.

If you look closely at it you can see it really is just like a small metal ladder.

I woke up recently to the sound of a tree scratching against my window. Since it had been quite windy recently I figured the tree was just swaying wildly and therefore bumping against my window. It kept rattling my window so I opened my eyes to see.

And do I see a tree? No. Not four feet from my bed, I see a squirrel on the safety gate, tiny appendages spread wide, with his feet on the bottom rung, and his paws on the top, SHAKING it.

I don't speak squirrel but I'm pretty sure he was also saying:

Open this thing you bastard. I'm here to kill you.

This tiny grey sonofabitch didn't even flinch when I walked over and tried to shoo him away. Perhaps it was the fact that I was trying to "shoo him away" like some kind of yenta. He just clung there, steely eyed and fearless.

Incident #2: The Bird Stakeout

Two days after I rid myself of my assassin. I woke up to a scratching sound.

Fully expecting to see the squirrel again I opened my eyes quickly but saw nothing. It was really quite sad at the relief I felt that it wasn’t another squirrel. The scratching I was hearing this time was probably actually a tree.

But after another 10 minutes of scratching I realized it didn’t have the rhythmic scratching that a tree branch blowing in the wind might. So I stood up and pulled open the shade over my air conditioner. And there I saw a brazen pigeon perched on the outside of my air conditioner.

I don’t speak pigeon but I’m pretty sure he was saying:

Hello Richard. Today, I kill you.

He had scratched a considerable amount of paint off the surface of my air conditioner and had created the beginnings of a nest right up against the window. That winged rat was building a bunker and trying to dig his way into my apartment Alcatraz style.

I banged on the window but the Jurassic germ carrier hung out. He and the squirrel had received the same training. I could intimidate neither of them.

Incident #3: Eau de Rat

At a job that I no longer work at, these ninja-like critters tried a different tactic. Calling upon a new enemy to take a new approach to ruining my life.
 
I was at said job, doing a really really extra good job (as usual) when I noticed a certain odor. As usual my mind thought it was somebody's foul lunch. But upon second appraisal this was not a scent of food.

Oh wait a minute... they are good. They were doing a sneak attack.

You see in this office we had a bit of a rodent problem, normally to be combated by sticky rat traps around the office. Well the rats got smart to this and started going through the heating and ventilation system. And this particular rat was no different.

The rat had been sneaking through the office, trying to sneak up on me when it got stuck in the heater and... well... baked.

I suggested that my coworkers pour some olive oil on the rat to help improve the smell.

They did not heed my suggestion.

The next day came, with another dead rat. These tiny bastards had discovered that the smell of their roasted rotting corpse was beyond awful, bordering on noxious.

Day 3 and a 3rd rat casserole.

Luckily I left that job before they could finish the job.

Incident #4: Leaping Squirrel

Not too long ago I was at the park getting a hamburger for lunch when I saw a squirrel climb to the top of a garbage can, and fall in.

I laughed my ass off. I couldn’t stop giggling about it. Serves him right, I thought.

I ran over to see what happened to the stupid little squirrel and when I had just about reached the trash can and was about to lean over to look in the thing leapt out of the trash like we was shot out of a circus cannon.

He popped up onto the ledge of the trashcan and scared me half to death. He perched on the edge and I’m pretty sure he said:

HaHA! I am winner!

And then he scurried away to go tell his friends what a sissy I am.

Bastard.

9 comments:

Caroline B said...

Did you ever consider that your recent break-in might have been executed by a rogue band of squirrels who have turned to crime in order to finance their ever-increasing addiction to Snickers and Reese's Pieces? They could only carry the light stuff (hence leaving the coin bottle) and have now spent all their ill-gotten gains binging on nut products. The window-rattling squirrel was elected to come back for the small change and was furious to find you home this time. Yes, they are out to get you. The rats are in on it too...the bird was just a stool pigeon.

Neurotic Workaholic said...

You're hilarious. You should collect your blog posts and put them into a book.
My neighbors think I'm weird because I'm fairly certain that they can hear me shrieking on a regular basis. I have a bug problem in my apartment, through no fault of my own. I told my landlord about it, and she said that it was winter so there shouldn't be any bugs. I think she thought I was imagining it. That's what they said at my last building, so I killed a couple huge bugs and showed it to them.

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

I am totally with Caroline, I think those animals totally have it out for you.

DangGina said...

Yes! Pigeons are rats with wings! I've never been to NYC, but the pigeons of London (right outside Buckingham Palace!) tried to destroy me! They didn't seem as bad in Scotland, but they're still foul creatures.

The squirrels of Idaho aren't so menacing, it would seem. But they're equally obnoxious...although you kind of have to go out to nature to find the annoying ones--the kind that scamper up to you whilst breaking for lunch on a mondo hike. Damn squirrels; food is sacred unto me, and I will not share with vermin!

Travel Bug said...

There needs to be a comic written about a superhero with super powers of being able to speak squirrel and rat...

Your post reminded me of this little amusing post: http://www.woodworkforums.com/f137/snake-house-114716/

Pat said...

Squirrels aren't bad....from a distance. But Peeping Squirrels? Yuk!

I, myself, have had run-ins with ground squirrels when I lived in a house. Now if I have any problems with animals, we just hook up our trailer and leave!

DeepSeaMuse said...

"Perhaps it was the fact that I was trying to "shoo him away" like some kind of yenta"

Hilarious.

Even though you now sit so far away, you still make me smile with your posts! :)

Stephanie Ann said...

I'm finally catching up on all the posts I've missed the last few months and I can't friggin' believe I missed this one. but I'm glad I read it BEFORE I decided to move to escape the squirrel assassins in the South. It's truly terrifying that they have managed to make it that far north. Now where can I move to get away from them?! LOL

Esther said...

I know how you feel!! I live way out in the country and there's a pond in my back yard. Well about four years ago my mom accidentally killed off all the fish by adding too much copper sulfate. Since there were no more fish too eat up all the tadpoles the frogs over populated. Now there are ninja killer frogs EVERYWHERE!!!!! I'm constantly in a state of fear from June till late September. Every time I see something hop I scream...I've decided to move to the Antarctic, where I can be free from this terror once and for all!