Sunday, July 31, 2011

Signs Signs Signs, Times Times Times

I like ice cream. Shocking, I know. I try not to keep sweets in the house because I don’t know how to stop eating them. I’m really good at starting but I don’t know how to close a box of cookies, or put away a container of ice cream.

So since I don’t keep that stuff in my house, what happens is I usually end up jonesing for some ice cream, go down to my building’s bodega, buy a ridiculously overpriced five dollar pint of Ben and Jerry’s and stress about how much money I am spending.

Since this summer it has been roughly 32 million degrees in New York every single day, I have been eating a lot of ice cream. I took this as a sign to stop spending my entire paycheck at my bodega, and actually invest in a half-gallon of ice cream from the grocery store. This turns out to be roughly the same price as a pint from my bodega.

So I picked up some Mint Chocolate Chip, brought it home, and upon opening it noticed a little something on the label.


Snaps tight to lock in freshness? Awesome. Safety tab? Umm… necessary?

Safe for who? What is the danger here? Is the danger that the ice cream will spill out and melt all over the floor? Yes, that is a concern, but dangerous? I guess it just depends on your definition of danger. But then again most people’s definition of danger does not involve ice cream. It’s a half-gallon of ice cream, not opium. I think people can be trusted with it.

Now, will somebody possibly eat to much? Sure. Could they get a brain freeze? Yes, yes absolutely. But I am still not sure what the safety concern is. And any danger that can be alleviated by an easy to open “tab” is really no danger at all.

A real danger we face though, is running out of time. Life moves fast and we might not have enough time to get to work, catch the train, etc.

But as busy as we are, I just don’t see a need for this.


It’s called fast food for a reason. You are not ordering Osso Bucco or a Pork Loin or a Flan. It is food cut into squares. And the place has a drive through. From order to delivery it’s like 4 minutes. I don’t care how fresh the establishment claims their food is, Julia Child isn’t in the back whipping it all up the moment you order it.

I don’t see how ordering online speeds up how fast you actually get your food. If it were phone ordering, I would say OK awesome, that is faster. You can do that in the car on the way over. But online ordering you actually have to sit down at a computer (or an iPad you fancy sonofabitch) and take the time out of whatever you are doing to order your food.

Whereas if you had just gone to the drive through, you would have been able to place your order, and then send your emails, knit an afghan or whatever it is you do all while your food is prepared.

Online ordering doesn’t save you any time unless of course you just don’t like being at a fast food location, which means you probably don’t feel good about eating fast food, which probably means you are using the Internet to compensate for your feelings of self loathing. And who can really blame you? I mean we as a society have built up the idea of social networking to such an unbearable breaking point that to live our lives without being constantly plugged in is quickly draining ourselves of our ability to tolerate any kind of interaction that has to take place outside of the comfort of our own social media space when….

Woah.

Sorry about that.

What I meant to say was, um… just eat healthier.

One way to eat healthier is to grow your own food. I won’t tell you how to do that because I don’t know how. And also because I’ve had 3 plants in my life and I’m only operating at a 33% success rate with having kept them alive.

I know plants need water and that’s about it. But if growing things is for you, you should definitely invest in seeds. From what I hear, most plants start out as seeds.

As for what seeds to buy, I am flipping clueless. But upon a recent visit to the garden aisle of a home store, I realized I do have a preference in my seeds. First I came across these seeds:


Cool, vegetable seeds. That seems straight forward enough. However, when compared to the seeds next to them…


They really pale in comparison. I mean who was the copywriter that worked on this marketing ploy?

Smith: OK so um, I’ve got these vegetable seeds here, so I made a sign that said Vegetable seeds.
Johnson: Good job Smith, what about these seeds over here?
Smith: Oh I don’t know what kind of seeds those are.
Johnson: Well how will you describe them then?
Smith: How about…um… seeds that grow?
Johnson: BRILLIANT! You’re promoted instantly!

What kind of seeds are they? Who cares? They grow! That is all that matters here people and if you don’t understand that, well then you obviously know nothing about plants.

They person who wrote this copy should be working for every brand in America.

Introducing:

Pants that fit!
Candles that burn!
Cars that drive!

It’s just about the laziest advertising there is. I can think of a million other instances where that might work.

But maybe we can just apply it desserts, most specifically ice cream. We could even put it right on the packaging.

“Ice cream that’s safe.”

Ya know, because of that tab.

8 comments:

RedWriter said...

I just read this post out loud as I was feeding my daughter... She is 16 weeks old now and laughed at the line at the end. You really do entertain all kinds ha ha. Xx ps how long did it take you to eat the huge tub of ice cream in the end? :) x

Kari said...

I'm in tears. That was just about the most truthful/hilarious thing I've ever read.

Caroline B said...

So that's what went wrong in my garden this year, I didn't buy seeds from the display marked 'seeds that grow' - doh!
Unbelievable...

little said...

that is the best ad ever! how can you possibly think otherwise. no gimmicks, no stupid catch phrases, just honest. haha.

love, little.

Valerie said...

It's advertising gone mad.
Thanks for putting me right about seeds that grow.... gosh, I never thought to check that before.

Pat said...

You know, truth in advertising and all that.....

Funny!

KG said...

I laugh aloud every time I read one of your posts. It's still embarrassing being at work and all, but seriously...EVERY time.

DangGina said...

It's all so baffling...

Although, here's a thought: does the tab slow you down, like, at all? Maybe the "safety" tab is to slow you down, so you really have to think about how badly you want the ice cream?

I never said it was a good guess.

As for the last picture (the seeds, of course), I'm still scratching my head over the sign that says Burpee. Is Burpee a brand name of seed or something? It just makes me think of Slurpee.

And now I'm getting thirsty...