Sunday, May 16, 2010

Miami Bound Machine - Part 1

I mentioned recently that my Cold-EEZE video won the contest it was in. And my prize for that was a mystery vacation. The details of my vaycay were recently revealed to me. I will be going on an all expenses paid trip to MIAMI!


The itinerary for the trip was posted on the website.

It is going to be epic. I am beyond excited. I knew it was going to be someplace warm and awesome and Miami is both of those things.

But then I started thinking.

This is Miami. This is where, at least according to Will Smith, there is a party in the city and the heat is on.

Miami is like the Las Vegas of the East Coast without all the hookers and the gambling (I’m guessing).  Nobody ever comes back from Miami with a story like

“Yea it was OK, I mean, it was kind of quiet, real low key, we just kind of hung around and ate chips.”

No, every time I talk to anybody who has come back from Miami it’s always like:

“Oh my god the beaches were so hot and everyone looked amazing and buff and then we went to the craziest club at night, and danced in an upside down anti gravity chamber of awesome. And then we drank champagne out of David Caruso’s wallet!”

Miami is the city of players, and playas, and la playa, and probably papaya. This is a city of bespoke linen suits, and bottle service, and the sexiest humans on the planet.

Well, in 3 weeks it will be home to the sexiest humans on the planet and this guy;

This just will not do. I can’t roll up to Miami looking all hokey and foolish... ya know, like myself. There will be about 100 very cool people getting on this plane to go down there for this party. And I just keep having visions of myself walking onto the plane and hearing:


As a tiny empty vodka bottle and a honey roasted peanut hit me in the side of the face.

No, I have to get my act together. The way I see it there are 3 parts of my life I need to get in order before I make my way down on a plane full of trendy, sexy, party animals. And the first part of it is my wardrobe.

Even though I think I look OK when I go out in New York, it is always different when you go to another city. Like last year when I shot down to D.C. for the 4th of July and my friends and I went out at night. I thought I would look good in my New York staple black. Imagine my surprise when I showed up at a bar full of people who looked like they were on an Easter egg hunt.

I realize now that certain cities require certain style.

Now I have had some interesting outfit choices over the course of my life. In fact it wasn’t until a couple years ago that I actually started understanding how to buy and wear clothes.

Up until then it was a lot of hit and miss with many more misses than hits.

Like back in 8th grade when I so badly wanted to dress cool and look like the other cool people. At this time there was a popular accessory in my school. It was a belt made out of a seat belt.

I didn’t have such an accessory, and I really wanted one. And this feeling hit me about an hour before the 8th grade dance when I was visited by the pants muse. And suddenly I fancied myself a designer, a pant closure genius if you will.

So I tried to invent my own belt. I went into my father’s closet and got out one of his old leather belts and cut off the metal clasp. Then I poked a hole in both ends. And then I took, get ready for this, a combination lock, and hooked it through the hole on one end, and then the other and then I CLOSED THE LOCK.

I walked over and took a look in the mirror. Sweet! I looked awesome. This would totally make other people think I was cool.

Have you seen Rich’s awesome combination lock belt?
Man, Rich has the coolest belt ever!
It’s a belt, it’s a lock, it’s both!

Satisfied with my invention I went to open it and realized a crucial fault in my design. It was still a combination lock. And now I had to put in the combination, on an upside down lock, which was secured tightly to my pelvis.

And that’s when I started to panic. I was having trouble opening it and starting to sweat. And then I realized I had to go to the bathroom. I was like a crappy Houdini. Except I didn’t have any magical abilities and I wasn’t trying to do a magic trick, I just had to pee!

Since then I have avoided the trends. I have stuck with basics, things that worked, and things that did not require the training and expertise of a locksmith. I imagine most people would say I have a pretty clear style, nothing too crazy or outlandish.

But this is Miami! This is the place where ya know… stuff happens.

(I would be more specific here but I have never been to Miami and therefore have no idea what actually goes on)

I want to make a statement so that when we all go out to the clurb to get our drink on and dance on, people will say, hey who is THAT guy?! And not just because I managed to get Pina Colada in my hair, but because I look good!

This thought process led me to an investment reserved for a certain class of people, those either playing shuffleboard in Boca Raton or those people named Ricky Martin. This led me to an investment I never thought I’d make.

I bought white pants.

Now the actual ramifications of this decision remain to be seen. I am not sure when or where I will display these pants. But they are coming with me. I am going to rock them. I am going to show the world my confidence… or lack thereof.

But most importantly, when the time comes to go to the bathroom… I will be able to do so.

To Be Continued…


'Nony(mous) said...

White pants are definitely a hit or miss clothing choice -- you either come off looking suave, like southern old money, or like a drug tycoon just off a flight from Bogota. To avoid the last two, I would recommend avoiding any unfortunate loafer/blazer combos, mint juleps, string ties, Panama hats, ostentatious jewelry, and keeping any suspicious powders on or around your person.
That said, enjoy Miami! Love love love the blog.
- Nony

It's All Good said...

Alright, first off, dont hate on the Boca residents...I happen to be one of them. Second of all, white pants, how very risque, but good luck keeping them clean after a night out! Oh, and don't worry, the Jersey Shore cast is banned from a lot of places down here, so you wont bump into them or anything! Also, check out the district while your here (assuming your into art) it's pretty cool. Have fun in Miami, I'll be in Boca sipping on some Fiberplus and playing bingo with the gang...

Iqbal Ismail said...

Can I say something? I WANT AN EXPENSE PAID TRIP TO MIAMI TOO! The world is very unfair. You got an expense paid trip, and I never got any free phones. Maybe I'm just not worth it.. This is sad...

Anonymous said...

congrats on the contest win Rich!.. have a safe trip! the Chastity belt combo lock... shaking my head.. -scala

AbBeYLeiGH said...

"Miami is the city of players, and playas, and la playa, and probably papaya."

hahah you are too funny! Miami will be amazing! But make sure you get plenty of sleep before hand, the parties don't end till 8am! FOR REAL!

Toni said...

Rock those white pants Rich, and come back with stories! One suggestion,though, stay away from any red, blue, or purple drinks. Especially if they have that always appealing umbrella.

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Holy man, Miami? That's awesome! I'm pretty sure I'm not cool enough for that place. I'm pretty sure they'd laugh me right out of there. Yikes!

Caroline B said...

Hold on a minute, forget the white pants, let's go back to that itinerary. Hotel Thrillist? Capoeira dancing? A meal every hour just about? Jungle Island? All mixed up with sun, sea and sand...that's going to be some weekend! Have fun!

Neurotic Workaholic said...

Lucky you that you get to go to Miami! And your post was totally funny; it was just what I needed after trying to make a couple dozen undergrads stay awake for class.
Wish I could give you some fashion advice, but I'm totally clueless. I'd rather spend money on candy than clothes.

Stephanie Ann said...

If you're looking for further Miami fashion advice do not, I repeat, DO NOT refer to any DVDs which contain Don Johnson running around catching bad guys.

DangGina said...

Bwa ha! Still laughing over your combination-lock-belt. CLEARLY it's almost the same thing as a seatbelt-belt, if not COOLER. Oh, the days of youth...

I'm excited to hear the stories that will come from wearing your white pants in Miami...!

Kate said...

Fashion Advice: Think Hemingway meets Hunter S Thompson. White linen pants are good. When paired with a jauntily tipped fedora and aviator shades. Pure brilliance. Not to mention the hat and Ray Bans hide a multitude of red-eyed, late-night sins while simultaneously making passersby wonder if you are a celebrity, or drug lord, or both. God speed in the hedonistic cousin to Vegas.

Pat said...

First of all, a seat belt used as a real belt? I must have missed that trend, thank GOD. But You, oh my, you fashionista you, come up with a combination lock belt, you only give out the combination to your SWEETHEARTS! LOL! Kind of a chastity belt for men! TOO funny!

Congrats on the win. Have fun in Miami. The white pants? Questionable. I wouldn't wear those babies in public till you saw someone else YOUR AGE wearing them. Just saying. If the only other person wearing white pants has them hiked up to their nipples and is wearing dentures? It would be safe to say you shouldn't wear the pants.

The Kissters said...

wow! have fun in miami! we just went-- such a blast!


sarah :: this is jackson riley said...

Well, if you need Miami fashion advice, you should google Mr. Will Smith for a pic or two. I seem to remember a electric blue baggy pantsuit. If that's not hot, what is?

A word of wisdom on the white pants: do not wear bright pink underwear underneath. don't say i didn't tell you so.

ShineForLife said...

Congratulations! Apparently I've been to Miami...but I was about 6 months old. In a diaper.

Jenny DB said...

you're going to miami so you bought wite pants. hahaha ok no comment. well one comment 0- you have to be able to pull them off. if not you're better off running around in your undies. mmkay, well i dont know if you can or cant - that is for you (or better yet a fashion forward girl) to decide. but either way, congrats on winning the trip!!! thats pretty flippin awesome

Anonymous said...

white pants are a bold statement but i think you can pull them off

Lucy Fur said...

I thought white pants died with Elvis!kudos to you for bringing them back!:D

p.s-I am dying to hear how the lock-belt story ended!

Robin Z said...

Burn Notice. Hot. Beeing Seen. White pants, tropical shirt, straw fedora, Oakleys, and strappy little sandals.

Oh wait. . . scratch the sandals. I mean loafers, buddy. Loafers. Got to thinking about how I wish I could dress like Fiona and not get arrested - or worse - laughed at in public.

Take in all the free food and drinks you can and totally strut out in those dashing white pants!

Robin Z

Nancy said...

You are going to rock Miami, Richard! I already think you are the cool! How awesome that you won this vaycay using all your talent to do so. Wow!

jade_d said...

Belated congrats on winning the contest. I would just about kill for an all-expenses-paid trip to the MIA. Have so much fun!

Quick tip about white pants from someone who owns way too many white bottoms for her own good: watch where you sit!

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

First - video = hilarious, so clever!

White boy wearing white pants=brave boy!

Rock Miami Dude, ROCK IT!

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