Sunday, May 23, 2010

Miami Bound Machine - Part 2

So after settling on a collection of (questionably) stylish pieces to wear to Miami I am faced with another decision to make.

Do I want to get in shape before I go?

Now I wouldn’t say I’m in bad shape but the words used by other to describe me (lanky, gangly) don’t exactly bring to mind the image of an Adonis. And this is Miami! Nobody looks crappy in Miami.

Now that I think of it that could be the catch phrase for Miami. Ya know,

Virginia is for Lovers
Georgia on My Mind
Nobody Looks Crappy in Miami.

Some of you may know that I had an unfortunate falling out with my gym last spring. I haven’t gone back to that, or any gym, since..

This is not to say I haven’t been working out. No sir, I work out, like a healthy champion. I have gone through several iterations of a workout plan with varying levels of success.

First I started working out in the park near my apartment. This was going well for a decent part of last summer. I would get home from work, change clothes, and then go do whatever routine I had cobbled together for myself. Sometimes doing pull ups on the monkey bars or step ups in the playhouse.

But then I worked out on a Saturday, and the park was full of kids and their families. I didn’t think much of it until I realized jumping around sleeveless and sweaty with a bunch of 8 year olds is a great way to live your life if you are a camp counselor.

Otherwise, it’s just a great way to end up on the news.

So I quickly put an end to my park workouts.

I decided I could just rollerblade instead. But there is a funny thing about rollerblading that you don’t notice until you are actually doing it.

And that fact is, NOBODY ROLLERBLADES.

I mean practically nobody. Apparently the year that rollerblading started getting cool was the same year it stopped being cool. And I certainly don’t look cool doing it. (Remember, gangly and lanky)

While I am blessed with a certain degree of athletic faculty, if I hit a bump while I am skating, my limbs spring out from my body like 3 different Jack in the Boxes. Which wouldn’t be so bad if there weren’t so many people around to see it happen.

Add into the equation that dogs don’t like rollerbladers. I mean if they don’t like a biker, that biker can just ride away no problems, no worries.

But on Rollerblades, a getaway is not as easy.

Dogs don’t instantly bark, they just stare intently at you as you approach. You can see them thinking…

Herehecomes herehecomes herehecomes “WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!”

As they launch forward yanking their leash and owners arm nearly out of the socket. I usually try and laugh it off but I really can’t hear or focus on anything anyway because the adrenaline influx I just experienced is enough to bring a Mastodon back from the dead.

Plus there is a rather large hill on the way to the park. And while it is a bitch to get up, it is practically a suicide attempt to go down. I mean I am OK at stopping but there really is no OK at stopping when you are on Rollerblades. You can either stop, or you can’t.

And the hill ends at a rather busy intersection where I have to make a sharp right turn to get to the park. So I would either have to jump OVER the traffic like I’m Evil Kinevil, or just smack straight into it like… well, Evil Kinevil.

The last time I attempted this hill I was going down the hill so fast I had to jump off the side walk and jog onto the grass (in my rollerblades) to stop.

This near death experience quickly changed my view on using Rollerblading as my primary workout activity. Seeing as one of my requirements for my workout regimen is that I live through it. And as much as I’d like to be in good shape, I do not consider “dead” to be good shape.

So I’ve started working out in my apartment. I even bought one of those pull-up bars that you attach to your door frame. I bought it in Bed Bath and Beyond if you can believe it.

It seemed like an awesome way to do pull ups without ending up on To Catch a Predator.

I opened it and there were a lot of pieces. I have to admit I was a bit skeptical that the whole apparatus could be put together using the exact same tool I used to put my erector sets together when I was a kid.

But it worked and I have been using quite frequently. Granted it has been more out of guilt than anything else. Like this weekend where I eat 2 cupcakes at midnight, have a bacon omelet for breakfast and then do 20 pull ups like that is going to negate that refuse my body is now trying to process.

I tried doing pushups in my living room but every time I do pushups, the following morning my wrist gets sore and a bone starts to protrude out of it like I’m a crappy fetal Wolverine.

Again, a description I try to avoid at all costs.

I thought about joining a gym just for a month until I left for Miami but then I remembered the conversation I had with Neil, one of the prized idiot salesmen I met when I first joined my gym back home.

I was there with my buddy and the salesman says to me,

“Hey so here’s the deal, you guys like hot girls? Cuz we got a ton of them here.”

Wow Neil, nice. Very profound. In fact you could probably write slogans. How bout this one.

Miami: If you like hot girls, we got a ton of them here.

But seeing as there are now less than 2 weeks left to go before Miami and I have made nearly 0 noticeable progress, I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my body will remain more or less in the non Adonis phase as opposed to, well, you get the picture.

I have even convinced myself that taking the stairs up to my apartment can wipe out eating three chocolate croissants a day.

Desperate people come up with interesting theories.

But I have something else even more serious to concentrate on. On this trip there will be beach time involved and that means going shirtless, and that is something Miami is really not ready for.

To Be Concluded…


It's All Good said...

Im going to tell you one thing, the LAST thing Miami needs is a buff guy walkin around, i actually like lanky guys =) You may want to get a tan though, the orangier the better, oh, and bring your rollerblades, everyone rollerblades in Miami, plus the biggest hills we got her are of the boob kind, so you'll be cool and safe ;)

PrettyPrincessXo said...

For some reason every guy I have dated has been tall and skinny. Why? I don't know. If someone were to ask me what my 'type' is or what I think is attractive I would say tall, tan, muscles.. but not beefy.

But as history shows, I have dated a handful of people, all who were taller than me (a must) & tall and skinny. Not deisel, their muscles were.. average.

I'd deffinitely agree with the above comment and say get a base tan before hand :)

I hope you have a blast!

Shinxy said...

Think of it this way. People are attracted to what is exotic to them. If Miami is filled with buff guys, the lanky guy will be the exotic looking one.

Iqbal Ismail said...

I agreed with Shinxy. You'd be an exotic there. They might even end up serving you free plates of meal because of you exotic-nes.

But never the less, why think about what other people think? Just be yourself, it will be a lot better for sure.

Stephanie Ann said...

I'm also going to agree with Shinxy here. Perhaps in your exoticness the hard-bodied Adonis types will be forced to bow down before you and serve you bacon omelets.

As for the post, you lost (or stole my heart) at Erector set. I thought I was the only one who was dorky enough to admit that I played with those as a child. Did you have that one adult who used to snicker when you said the word erector though?

Caroline B said...

I wouldn't worry about getting fit in a fortnight (muscles don't do a lot for me either!), but perhaps the tan might be an idea so you don't look like a string of cooked spaghetti in your white pants...
Good job you'll never rollerblade near my dog, he'd run you down - joggers and skaters were put on this earth purely for his entertainment.

My word verification is 'corksme' - teehee!

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

I'm with It's All Good - I'm not a fan of huge muscles. I actually prefer lanky guys.

Everyone rollerblades around here but I live in a college town so that may be why. You can always always see a group of shirtless guys running all over town. And I'll admit, I've almost had an accident staring at them a little too long while driving... oops.

Not sure where I was going with THAT but now all I can think about is shirtless guys running. Hmm...

scala said...

you forgot to mention the hardest part about rollerblading... telling your parents you are gay.. forget muscles... they are overrated.. just do 75 pushups a day for the next 14 days... thats 1050 pushups for miami.. you will feel good, and thats all that matters... you will be the skinny lanky guy that feels good about himself vs the big muscle guy who is insecure because he doesnt think his muscles are big enough.. scala.. btw, ditch the rollerblades..

JerseySjov said...

once you get some miami sun your gangles will look fine. trust me, i'm friends with lots of dudes who are made of elbows and they're cute when they have some color. and at least you've got a cute face to fall back on.

sarah :: this is jackson riley said...

i was into rollerblading until i realized that i couldn't figure out how to stop. and i kept trying but never could learn. so i bought a damn bike instead.

whalechaser said...

ALL seem to worry about our looks, when in fact it is the personality that ALWAYS wins over. I can assure have NO PROBLEMO!

Pat said...

Tan is most important. Get a little base tan at a tanning salon before you go so you don't stick out like a florescent light bulb. Not a flattering look.

The Girl said...

The bit about a bone protruding out of your wrist made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

What do you mean walking up the stairs doesn't burn off 3 croissants? Are you kidding me? What about if I kind of jog up them, that must burn about 50 million more right?

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

Go for the heroin chic look...

btw - please go to wiki to look up the meaning, you will definitly chuckle. As you know may remember, I can't spell well (huge = hugh), so I double checked my work by googling heiron - which I had a feeling I had wrong (I was right heiron was wrong) and the definiton of heroin chic came up in wiki, I was intrigued, clicked and def. chuckled.....classic!

Wow way too long comment.