Sunday, April 11, 2010

How Stupid Do You Think I Am?

Ok don’t answer that.

I am aware that I don’t always make the best impression on people. It could be the reflection off my skin or the way I like to pretend strangers are my long time friends. I’m not sure what it is but I am used to getting a stare that says, “Are you stupid?”

But sometimes people have actually followed up with a question by actually asking,

“Are you stupid?”

OK, OK those things I can handle. But that’s just me. I think we as a society, and more specifically the people who are in control, are starting to think everybody else is stupid. And not just a little bit stupid… a lot bit stupid.

It’s not an aggressive assumption of stupidity; it’s a bit more subversive. You really only notice it if you are paying attention. And if you are stupid, you probably don’t pay attention, so you probably don’t realize that the people that think you are stupid are… well… thinking you are stupid!

The first time I noticed this was a couple of weeks ago when I had some friends stay with me. My friend was brushing her hair with a fine piece of hair management equipment.

I was quite impressed with it and picked it up to take a closer look when I noticed the handle was extremely squishy. It was quite a nice feeling. I am not one to brush my hair really, but this was a brush I would make an excuse to use so I could feel the squishiness of the handle. I took a closer look at the handle and noticed this:

Plasmium gel? What the hell is plasmium gel? I don’t even know if I am supposed to capitalize it, and in fact Microsoft Word is underlining it in red right now to let me know it too, has never heard of it.

Plasmium Gel? It sounds like something Astronauts rub on themselves so they don’t get a space rash.

Jim: Hey Connor my feet are itchy as hell, do you have space rash too?
Connor: Nope, I put 2 scoops of plasmium gel in my boots this morning.
Jim: You are so wise.

It’s not like hair brushes come wrapped in air tight containers where you can’t touch and feel what they are made of. The advancements in hairbrush technology have been quite limited over its lifespan. You don’t really need to oversell a hairbrush, which perhaps explains the ridiculousness of this marketing.

I have to wonder what kind of clientele they were expecting to lasso with that bit of marketing. It’s a hairbrush… not a rocket ship.

They could have just written “Feel Good Squishy” and that would probably have been enough. I don’t know what plasmium gel is so I’m not sure I would want to touch it, but feel good squishy? Oh yea. Give it here.

Recently I was down visiting my parents in South Carolina and I was hanging out at the pool. I have already detailed some questionable poolside activities here before, but I was not expecting to run into it again.

I was lounging in a chair and soaking up the sun and trying to not burn my lily white skin to an unrecognizable crisp. I decided it was about time to cool off. So I sauntered over to the edge of the pool.

Now this particular pool had a graduated entrance. So basically there was a dry ramp for about 15 feet before the water started and then it went down slowly to about 5 feet.

I was just about to make my way down the ramp when I saw this sign.


Who the hell is diving into no feet of no water? That doesn’t even qualify as a pool. I mean is this a risk that people face daily? Are there people around the world just jumping headfirst into pavement?

I mean, by that assumption we should start putting “no diving” signs in parking lots, grocery stores, and car dealerships.

I can even understand the no diving sign in the 1 foot of water because OK maybe your eyesight is bad and you think it is deeper than it looks. But 0 feet of water. I mean if you can’t tell there is no water there you either don’t understand the concept of swimming or you are blind. And if this sign were in fact intended for blind people, it would have been in Braille, but it was NOT in Braille. I checked.

So I was left with the conclusion that either somebody had dove headfirst into the no water before, or the management did not think the swimming public could be trusted to not dive into the no water.

Shortly thereafter I was about to open up a new toothbrush (yes I know, I enjoy good dental hygiene) and not really paying any specific attention to the packaging. It was a normal toothbrush. In fact I even took a picture of it.

I was struggling to open it (sometimes I have issues) when I noticed a tiny, tiny bit of writing in red right near the base of the toothbrush. And do you know what it said?

It said, in tiny nearly unreadable red lettering: “toothbrush.”

Ohhhhh OK. Thanks for that.

What idiot is turning this over in their hand wondering what it could be? Who is this writing for? Aliens? Distant tribes who just happen to speak English but don’t recognize toothbrushes? I can only imagine the conversation taking place in the grocery store.

Jeb: Hey ma, I wanna buy this here thing.
Ma: What all you got there?
Jeb: It’s like a stick, but it’s got like some bristly things at the end.
Ma: A bristly ended stick? Sounds like the devil’s work. Does it say anything on it?
Jeb: Don’t know, I can’t read good.
Ma: Give it here. OH OK, see here at the bottom it says, Toothbrush.
Jeb: Ohhhh… does it have a plasmium handle?

Or something like that.


Cathy said...

I am laughing so hard I'm crying! You are hysterical! Thanks for the laugh!

DangGina said...

Good point. On all accounts, really.

Now don't judge me, but with the whole "No Diving" thing, I was wonder what the aych "OFT" meant. Why would they put that there? Then I realized, after reading your text, that it said "0FT" as in ZERO, not the letter O.

I get that "Are You Stupid" look too...

It's All Good said...

I have my stupid moments too, but thanks for pointing out what a toothbrush looks like! I was kinda embarrassed to ask this whole time...

JerseySjov said...

I believe the fact that DangGina and I both didn't realize that the pool was saying ZeroFT instead of oft is meta-stupidity.

unless the pool was feeling poetic about how frequently people dive headfirst into concrete and wanted to express it with a handy pictogram.

Caroline B said...

Now you have answered your own musings about the signs on the previous pool...they were directed at all the people who had foolishly attempted to dive in this pool at the 0 ft end and sustained gaping head wounds, were thrown out for their behaviour and so determined were they to have a swim, they went straight to the other pool before attending A&E......
Wouldn't it be great if every pavement had this sign somewhere along it's edge?

Hannah said...

ooooh. a toothbrush with a plasmium handle. I want one. LOL.

BTW...I think Jeb may be wondering what a toothbrush is used for...maybe you should let him know. :-D

Pia said...

My favorite sentence:

"Are there people around the world just jumping headfirst into pavement?"

I seriously can't stop laughing!

Anonymous said...

oh my god the pool thing had me hysterical!!!!!!!!!thats the backwards slowcountry for ya!

Jennifer said...

Haha! I could think of a few people that actually should consider diving headfirst into pavement!

Does that make me a horrible person? Probably, but I'm pretty sure at this juncture of my life, I already have a reserved spot in hell anyway.

Jeninacide said...

LOL! You're hilarious. I freaking HATE trying to open toothbrushes. I always have issues.

Want to know some other things I struggle with?? The flavor packets in Top Ramen (yes, I know- I'm special)- also any and all toys encased in hard plastic exterior packaging. Having a child has made this kind of packaging appear more and more frequently in my life and it just really frustrates me.

Ok- sorry for ranting about that.

Taz said...

I want to know where they advertise the jobs for coming up with these names? plasmium, I bet someone got a bonus for that beauty. LOL

Charlie Dia said...

Part of me thinks those things are there just to cover their asses against a particularly litigious society and all the persnickety rules we have about the shit we buy. And part of me thinks that there really must me a need for such statements of the obvious. (Like, when there's a law against drunk elephants, you know it's because it's happened and caused a ruckus.)

It's not so bad, though, people thinking you're less intelligent than you may be. Lower standards. I like that.

RedWriter said...

I love how your blog reads like you are actually talking to your readers. Imagine reading it with your accent and it's ridiculously funny. :) x

The Girl said...

People are stupid. Because someone did decide to dive in to the pool (I also read it as oft by the way) and then even more stupidly they decided to sue because no-one told them NOT to dive in to the part of the pool with no water in it. And then they won. So now they have to assume that everyone is as stupid as that person because if they don't, another stupid person will somehow win money for being stupid.

And thus the cycle continues.

Adam McGrath said...

Thankfully I don't get that look from people all too often. Maybe I'm guilty of thinking the general public is stupid and should have some (many) of their decisions made for them. Yours are just a mild few of the many examples of idiocy we see every day.

Also, "Feel good squishy" = LOL.

Madhu said...

I spent 5 minutes trying to figure out what OFT meant before finally figuring it out..


Pat said...

I am feeling immense relief after reading the other comments from readers who all thought the same thing - what the f**k is "OFT"? I know I am a blond now and everything, but geez, I couldn't figure out ZERO feet? I mean, it came to me after a few seconds, but at first glance I had no idea. Does this mean that all your followers are as stupid as you? Wait. That didn't come out right. :) I should have said as stupid as ME. LOL! Great post. Funny, funny stuff!

scarlethue said...

Have you ever seen any of Mitch Hedburg's stand-up? You remind me of him, humor out of every-day things.

I think I give the "are you stupid" look more than I get it. But there are a lot of stupid people out there...

xoxoKrysten said...

Oh wow. And you have to think that the reason someone decided to put the 0 ft. there is because SOMEONE was dumb enough to want to dive. It just really makes you wonder...

Jenny DB said...

these are good, kinda like the real life stupid signs book.. name of which is escaping me right meow. that's good too

i think you should send that pool pic to fail blog unless of course you got it from fail blog:)

msprimadonna67 said...


Anonymous said...

Your writing is so good. You're kind of adorable.

Holly Renee said...

I like the squishy handle idea quite a bit. You should market that. Also, the pool sign was beyond hysterical. I wonder if anyone has ever event tried to swim in that area? Hmmmm.... that sad part is that it's probably needed.

Cynthia said...

Others seem to have had the same problem I had regarding OFT and 0FT. In my defense, I've grown up using metric... (This is where I look around awkwardly)

I believe a squishy grip hairbrush could be targetted towards little old ladies/those who experience rsi/cramps from brushing their Rapunzel-length hair! But I concur, it sounds silly, and I can only hope that it's a stable material that won't spontaneously combust.

And to re; I'm much too poor to go to the pictures solo! Much rather take a nap at home :-)

Lady Hill said...

I'm laughing so hard right now that my dog thinks I'm crazy.

I'm now following here and on twitter and a fan on facebook.

Thanks for the giggle.