Sunday, April 25, 2010

You're In Trouble

It was a routine day at B3 for me. I was in the cleaning materials department looking for some supplies to maintain the impeccable level of sanitation I prefer in my apartment. I was holding a bottle of tile cleaner when I saw it.

I almost didn’t believe it at first as I caught it out of the corner of my eye. But I did a double take and there it was.

A bottle of Urine Gone.

But it wasn’t just a single solitary bottle of Urine Gone. No, there was a stock of Urine Gone. As to say not 1 but many people have the need to get rid of a large quantity of urine on a regular basis.

My mind instantly went into overload trying to rationalize the existence of this product on our planet. Surely it couldn’t be for human pee… right? I mean this has to be for animal owners… right? For a while I thought the “Beyond” in Bed Bath and Beyond stood for beyond good. Now I realized it stood for “Beyond human comprehension.”

Of all the places I would expect to find a 24 oz bottle of Urine gone, B3 was not on the list. For me, the B3 is a place of fluffy towels, spatula sets and electric toothbrushes, not… pee removal.

If anything I would expect to find a bottle of this product in a place like a gas station, the same place you can buy the malt liquor, red Solo cups, and ping pong balls that would cause one to get drunk enough to pee on a… well... anything.

And let’s also consider, outside of the bathroom, the bed is the place you are most likely to find pee. But that you can clean up immediately by just tossing your sheets and mattress pad in the washing machine.

So this product must be for removing pee from OTHER surfaces and locations.

I had questions that needed answers. Most pressing was this:

What human had decided there was an untapped need in the market for pee removal?

It did make sense that the product was housed on the bottom shelf where you have to kind of surreptitiously stoop down to get it. I can’t believe anybody would want to proudly display this product in his or her cart.

Hey, everybody! Look what I got!

Which also makes me think just what an awful moment it must be at the register when the associate has to ring you up. Even if they were ignoring you, you would think curiosity would get the better of them as they wondered who could need such a product.

I know there are some things that I have been embarrassed to buy, My Ped Egg to name one. And usually I can play it off with a silly comment or self-deprecating joke. But Urine Gone? What the hell are you supposed to say if somebody gives you a look?

Boy did I have a hell of a weekend!

And if you are buying it, it is probably not an emergency because you would have used whatever you had on hand to get rid of that stain ASAP. So that means you have an OLD urine stain you need to get rid of, OR you are anticipating an awful series of events in the near future. Either way, I don’t envy you. Not even a wee bit.

Ha-ha, get it? Wee? Ahh.

I was so dumbfounded when I came across Urine Gone that I forgot to read the label, but upon returning home my curiosity eventually got the better of me and I googled it.

Here is what I found.

Urine Gone effectively removes new or old stains and odors from carpets, mattresses, and furniture. Urine Gone works on just about any washable surface or fabric! Just darken the room and use the Urine Gone "stain detector" black light…

Wait a minute.

Stain detector? STAIN DETECTOR?

Here’s the thing, if you KNOW there is urine in your home, but you don’t know where, you don’t need Urine Gone. You need a home security system complete with motion sensors, HD cameras and a barbed wire fence.

Who is peeing in undisclosed locations in houses? Are there criminals regularly breaking into houses to deface the home and then leaving, doing the old “Pee and Flee?”

If you are using a black light you are no longer a regular person, you are a detective. You are a forensic scientist tracking down human detritus. You are the star of the new hit show P.S.I.

The description continues:

For Pet or People Accidents Non-Toxic Safe for Carpet Litter Boxes Wood & Tile Bathrooms Sofas & Beds...

So there is proof it is not just for pets, but people too. There are people with pee accidents in their home. Many people. PEEple.

I’m not sure what would cause such an accident. Perhaps you have white carpet in your home and you recently brought home an Eskimo child who immediately set about to write his name.

If you go on the Urine Gone site they say:

 If you loved the 24 ounce urine gone, you might like… the urine gone refill.


Also on the website, in the “Product features” part, there is this great tidbit.

Don’t leave your house smelling like a litter box… Get Urine Gone.

Hmm OK. So what you are saying is, when faced with the choice of cleaning up pee or just leaving it, most people choose to just leave it? Is that the reason for the arrival of this product on the market? Laziness?

The only thing I found more outrageous were the actual customer reviews on the site.

Mind you these are actual reviews.

I have ten cats, and one of the former-ferals sometimes sprays in the house…

I’m not even going to show the rest of that review because it doesn’t get any better. Ya know what helps get rid of the smell of 10 cats? Not having 10 cats.

I have literally bought dozens of urine removers on the market…

Really? If you have bought DOZENS of urine removers, don’t you think it’s time for a lifestyle change? If you cannot get your animals to stop relieving themselves around the house shouldn’t you be thinking of getting a barn or something? I mean jeez at least buy a tarp.

I have 9 cats and 8 dogs in my house and somebody is always doing something somewhere that they shouldn’t!

17 animals? I’m not even, I mean I just… I can’t…

I think my favorite part of the product is how they don’t specifically advertise but more subtly mention that this can be used in the removal of feces as well. I really think it’s only a matter of time before Urine Gone gets a companion product called, “Damn it, Go Away Poop.”

And I bet you won’t need a black light to find that mess.


Christopher said...

They have a name for when you have 17 animals in a place, it's called a barn.

Pat said...

OMG - THIS is hysterical. PSI, PEEPLE, Pee and Flee. Where do you come up with this stuff? Did you sniff that Urine Gone or what?

So obviously, this stuff should be kept in the "Beyond" part of B3!

turtlebottom said...

hahahahahaha... They should have named it "Pee Be Gone" :P

The Girl said...

I think what I like most is the distinct lack of effort that's gone into naming the product.

"Hey shall we call this something subtle? Maybe a pun of some sorts?"

"....Nah, let's just call it Urine Gone."

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Wow. I just don't even have the words. And I'm trying really hard not to laugh... but I just can't help myself.

Caroline B said...

Thank you for giving me a big laugh on a Monday morning! I just haven't the words..nope, can't even begin to make a coherent comment on that one.
Although it does bring to mind what happened a few weeks ago when my dog left a large 'present' on the kitchen floor in the night, which I didn't notice until after I'd put the laundry basket on top of it...a wicker basket at that. Perhaps I need one of those black lights..

scarlethue said...

I worked for a woman one time who was bat-shit crazy. Anyway, she had 6 cats and 4 dogs, and she asked me to pet-sit for her for a few days one time. Being a good (desperate) little employee, I agreed. Her pets peed EVERYWHERE. A former employee told me they always do that. Anyway, apparently she didn't appreciate my cleaning skills because I missed one of the spots (under a chest of drawers in her bedroom, so sorry I didn't look under the furniture too), and she fired me. Did I mention she was bat-shit crazy?

I really want to send her some Urine Gone now.

Living with Balls said...

Urine Gone was the best name the marketing people could come up with?

Pond said...

Hilarious... Good to see it can be ordered online; hopefully arriving in a plain brown wrapper.

JerseySjov said...

i'm a big fan of "goo gone," the stuff in the picture next to the urine gone, so if i ever needed something to clean up pee i'd definitely stick with the "[nasty substance] gone" line of products.

Amber said...

This post was super funny but I will admit to owning and subsequently using up an entire bottle of Urine Gone. I wish I had some raucous story to justify buying/using it but the simple truth is that before my cat got fixed he was spraying everywhere and just shampooing the carpets didn't work.

Though some people think that "Urine Gone" is an unimaginative name, when I was unsure of how to tackle my cat's little problem and just blindly walking down the cleaning product aisle, I saw the urine gone with it's very straightforward name and bought that crap. One year later all the urine is gone and my house smells freaking wonderful. Thank you, Urine Gone!

Holly Renee said...

A black light. What?!? Unfortunately I could probably use this product as our smallest dachshund (out of two) believes he should be able to mark his territory wherever he so pleases, especially the living room rug. No matter how much we keep our eye on him he sometimes sneaks away and pees. Ugh. Next time I will be thinking, "Where is the Urine Gone??" Nice find.

SilverNeurotic said...

I have two dogs, and you will NEVER find me buying that crap. But now I am intrigued-I might have to make a mission to find this product next time I go shopping.

Angie said...

hahaha awesome! This reminds me of the VaPOOrizer product in Envy. Ever see that movie? hilarious!

The Girl said...

Ewww. Dude, I can understand the need for this product. Have you seen the amount of pets people have?! And they don't look very responsible.

I'm a good person, but I stay away from animal-fest houses for the very reason that I do not know if I'm sitting on pee. Hell, once m brother sat on a couch at his friends, and he sat on kitty poo and these are people who have paid help around the house.

Robin Z said...

Out, Damned Spot, Out. Good Dog.

Nancy said...

Good one, Boomka! I'm still laughing...


Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

Fricking hilarious! There is material for you on every corner, your style of writing and humor ...just a pleasure all the time!

Stephanie Ann said...

I'm pretty sure that if you need the 48 oz refill of this stuff, you have much bigger problems to deal with than urine. Just saying!

Sweta said...

Oh,I would appreciate one whole day I went from being daddy's li'l princess to a certified poop scooper.However,I need no black light-my dog had* his own signalling system :/

*I have the dog,his toilet habits have changed.Yaay,or vodka?

PrettyPrincessXo said...

Hahaha I love this! I actually worked at CVS some years back and we carried Urine Gone! I had just gotten a puppy and thought to my self 'Well hm, this just might be a life saver!' So I made the purchase. Not long after my fiance dumped me and took my dog.... Point is, I never got to see if it actually worked! :-)

Jeninacide said...

LOL! Hahaha... I actually had some drunk guy pee in my kitchen once. It was a LOT of pee too... I wonder if this urine removal product works MAGICALLY. Like, if I had sprayed it on the GIANT puddle of pee that guy left it would just.... DISAPPEAR instead of taking an ENTIRE ROLL of paper towels and several rounds of DRY HEAVING (It was GROSS!) for me to clean up! In that case it might be good to have in storage.. you know, just in case. ; )