Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Second Rant

Again, my document of things I want to write about is growing at a rate faster than I can possibly handle. So, much like I did in The First Rant, I have compiled a short list of topics that don’t require their own post but (in my scientific opinion) are still worth mentioning.  What follows are things that have been marinating in my brain for better or for worse.


Living in New York I am very particular about my Bagels. As I am about my pizza as well. There are many bagels I enjoy. The sesame is a fine bagel, as is the pumpernickel, the cinnamon raisin and several others but there is one bagel I don’t get;

The Everything Bagel.


I am opposed to this bagel on so many levels. The first being that, for whatever reason, the Everything Bagel is always cooked next to my most favorite of the bagelino family, the egg bagel, which has no seasoning. You’d think they would cook the everything bagel next to the salt bagel or maybe… in its own oven in a different store… in another city.

Its like a plague on other bagels. A bagel plague... a plaguel.

I mean it’s barely a bagel, it looks more like an art project.

And ya know what if you like the everything bagel, I don’t judge you, but can we get some kind of restriction on what is in this bagel? Everything is not an ingredient list. What the hell is in an Everything Bagel? Garlic? Cheetos? Bleach?

It’s like knocking the spice rack over into the mixer.

Is there anything more uninspired than the ingredient list for an everything bagel? I can only imagine the originators of this recipe.

Bagel Maker 1:  What should we put in it?
Bagel Maker 2:  Umm everything.
Bagel Maker 1: What do you mean everything?!
Bagel Maker 2: I mean everything!
Bagel Maker 1: You are gross, I hate you.

Solicitation Emails

Now I don’t condone solicitation emails. You know the ones I am talking about, those emails that say you stand to gain a 40,000,000 Euros if you will just help this dethroned king from Zimbabwe transfer his funds to the Chase Bank in your neighborhood.

The scams take good money out of the pockets of decent humans every year. But the people writing these emails are idiots! I mean they are written in such crap English. You’d think they would hire a decent English-speaking criminal and say

Hey, we are looking to rip off some of the Americans, would you mind rewriting this scam email so it sounds legit?

I think some American criminals could really clean up by consulting for these international hooligans by just suggesting they stop starting out their emails with “Dear Honorable Sirs.” Stop talking to me like I am Nobleman from the 14th century, unless of course you meant to send this email to a Renaissance village, in which case you have other problems.

Airplane Charges

I was on an airplane recently that had those need little TV screens in the back of the seat in front of you. My first thought was “yippee, free movie time.” But no, I was wrong. There was a rental fee. Do you know how much the fee was? 8 dollars. EIGHT FRIGGING DOLLARS! How the hell does that make any sense?

At the movie theater I pay 13 dollars to sit in a good quality seat and watch movies on a screen that is roughly 80 feet.

I can order a movie on TV for like 4 bucks that I can watch from the comfort of my couch (in my underwear no less…. Don’t judge) and eat the food in my fridge.

And yet to sit in a too small tin and pleather shit seat on a noisy plane next to some inflated troglodyte with seemingly 7 elbows and watch a 5-inch screen? 8 dollars!

I can’t even sit back in my seat with a screen that size. I need to lean forward so my face is almost touching the screen. And god forbid the person in front of me puts their seat back while I’m watching, they’ll shatter my nose like a Ivan Drogo. Because nobody ever just gently puts their seat back, they thrust it back like they just hit Mach 12 in their Jet fighter.

Is it too much to ask to use the same care in backing your seat up as when you back up your car? Just take a peak over your shoulder to see if there is anybody directly behind you before you punch the gas like you’re in a chase scene in the Bourne Identity.


I pulled a muscle stretching the other day. I think that’s a good sign I’ve hit rock bottom in terms of physical activity.


There are millions of wines in the world. The odds that your local restaurant is going to have your exact favorite is usually pretty slim. I was tending bar recently when a guy came in and ordered a blush.

A blush? Do people still order blush? What is this, Sephora?

Another customer said to me, “Do you got Moscatto?”

No, I replied.

“You don’t got no pink wine? Damn you don’t got none of the wines I like.”

Mmm indeed.  You have my sincerest apologies. And by the way, thank you for bringing your brand of class to our fine establishment. Leave me your name and number and I will also let you know when we have added Twinkies and Jerky to our menu.


I regularly rant against the funkiness of stinky people. But mind you stink is a broad spectrum of which the atrocities are many.

While I used to enjoy the odoriferous benefits of Polo Sport, I think it is important that you don’t smell like you DRANK a bottle of it before you left the house.

And as long as we are talking what people shouldn’t smell like I would like to mention a perfume for Women called Moon Sparkle.

Moon sparkle? I cannot imagine an audience for this product that doesn’t also regularly discuss the pros and cons of Unicorn ownership and spend their days attaching ribbons to the back bumper of their cars.

Moon Sparkle sounds like the name of Rainbow Bright’s horse.

Saddle up Moon Sparkle, we’re going on an adventure!

Somebody brought it to my attention recently that now they make Moon Sparkle for men. I have GOT to believe that the audience buying this product is limited at best. I’m not the manliest of men but I get the feeling if you buy moon sparkle it would come with a free purse and subscription to Cosmo Girl.

But if it came right down to it I’d rather smell like Moon Sparkle than an everything Bagel… but just barely.


TbR said...

I've never had a bagel, I'm ashamed to admit. If ever I get the chance I'll avoid the plaguel. Thanks for the heads up.

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

I used to live with my husband's cousin (and my husband, who was then my boyfriend) and the cousin would put cologne on MULTIPLE times a day. It was GROSS. He'd go into his bedroom, spray it on, and then go out and I swear I needed a gas mask to get from my bedroom the the bathroom.

Thank goodness he has since gotten married and his wife has the good sense to tell him less is more. Way less.

Aimee said...

For what it's worth, Rainbow Brite's horse = Starlite, the self-proclaimed "Most Magnificent Horse in the Universe."

SilverNeurotic said...

I agree with you on just about everything...except the Everything Bagel. Sorry, I love my everything bagel, we almost always have them on hand at home.

Caroline B said...

Ah, those solicitation e-mails - my family is so unlucky, apparently they've been practically annihilated by plane crashes and who knew they were all so wealthy?

Anonymous said...

The everything bagel is my favorite!!! Leave the everything bagel alone...

Jeninacide said...

I personally LOVE everything bagels, HOWEVER- I do NOT like it when the bakery person puts them into the same bag with my cinnamon raisin bagels and then my BREAKFAST FOOD tastes like garlic/fennel... Bleck!

Christopher said...

There's a reason a life of crime and levels of education are correlated, thank god when it comes to the email scams.

Ava said...

Hilarious. Great rant, Boomka. You're a man after my own heart. Looking at that phrase, 'man after my own heart' it is phrased in a way that seems threatening, like you are actual going after one of my vital organs. English is a strange language. This is why those scam letter writers have such a hard time.

Leah said...

I love everything bagels. But only because one minute a bite tastes like an onion bagel, then the next it tastes like a sesame bagel. Since I'm an indecisive person and always feel like I'm missing out by choosing just ONE item off of a menu, the variety of an everything bagel is perfect for me! I've also pulled a muscle while stretching. Although it's embarrassing, it's a good reason to go back to watching movies in your underwear until it heals.

The Girl said...

There is without a doubt money to be made in re-writing those solicitation e-mails. I actually judge the people that fall for them more than those that send them. Your suspicions really weren't raised when the person referred to themselves as having "the cancer disease"?? (true story, I still have the e-mail, I like to read it on days when I feel depressed)

Cathy said...

Cologne - yes, other people don't nearly enjoy it as much as the wearer does! And after a while, the wearer can't smell it anymore, so they must apply more! And tell me, why would anyone put on cologne before they go to the gym? There's nothing more "refreshing" than being out of breath on the treadmill and inhaling a huge dose of Avon's latest offering!

jHack said...

I too, recently hit a new low in fitness. After a "workout" (a walk around the block to the post-office), I noticed an odd "sweat stain" on my tank top. Turns out, I did not actually break a sweat but rather had been careless with the grease from the slice of pizza I had for lunch.

Pat said...

Great rant! Whenever I buy bagels in a supermarket, if I buy onion ones for my husband, I make sure to put them in a separate bag from my asiago cheese bagels so they don't contaminate mine!

I HATE when people have too much cologne on. Instant headache!

I love your whole rendition of the 8 bucks for small screen scenario. All so true. I thought WTF? when I heard the charge last time we flew. Next they'll be charging us to use the bathroom on flights.

Jessica Druck said...

hah! the blush...the wine...sephora. you're great.

Hannah said...

Just wanted to let you know that your blog makes for great laughs at work when everyone starts to get just a little too tense. i just break out your blog posts and soon my entire office is laughing their heads off. Then again...maybe they're laughing at ME since I read the posts aloud. oh no! it's my VOICE that's so funny. bummer. i'm sad now.

I have to admit that the MACH 12 of the seat being reclined had me laughing so hard even the second time through that I could barely read your post out loud to my coworkers today. thanks for the entertainment!

Pond said...

Dear Honorable Sir,

I never bother with movies on flights, rarely even watched them when they were free, I prefer to watch the little plane inching me ever closer to my destination; no action or drama but it's.. like you know?... real..
I miss the free lunch too, well except for the last breakfast I was served.. a breakfast burrito. C'mon folks, you want to serve a beany, cheesy burrito to an enclosed tin can @ 6 am and supply only two bathrooms? And you may want to spray some Moon Sparkle around..

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

I am in agreement with you on almost everything in your post except for the everything bagel. The everything bagel is the MECCA of all bagels, I should know, I am an ultimate Bagel Snob, and being born and raised on Long Island, I take my bagel snobbery and my bagels very seriously. The everything bagel is heaven, bliss pure joy in every bite...with lox and a smear, with butter or cream cheese, and don't get me started on an everything bagel with scallion cream cheese - I may just write a thesis on that one. Hmmmm....sigh, I thought we'd be besties, I guess we'd have to agree to disagree.

sarah :: this is jackson riley said...

i would rather eat an Everything bagel than a Jalapeno bagel any day. Who tried to combine a pepper and a bagel? That is just some craziness that I cannot get behind.

Laura said...

i fundamentally disagree with you on your bagel choice. i love everything bagels and am not an egg bagel fan at all. so, now that that's out of my system: great post.

Shaynanagans said...

hi-larious...i had left the blog universe for a short time and I return to find this post in my feed. Love it haha. Keep up the imaginary conversations, nice touch..."i hate you"

Nancy said...

Oh no, I have to admit to loving the everything bagel. In fact, I had half of one tonight with melted cheese. I know, way too fattening.

As for cologne - I'm old fashioned, but men wearing cologne seems kind of, well, ummm, not very manly man. I prefer soap smell.

Lady Hill said...

I could have written this rant myself.
I found you after you commented on a post about LFO and since I grew up on Long Island too I felt the need to stop by your blog.

Everything bagels make me angry. My favorite bagel is the egg bagle and it always ends up tasting "off" b/c they always place it next to the everything bagel which ends up making it taste like onion and salt. Blech. If I wanted an onion bagel I'd order one.
When I discuss bagels with out of state friends they think I'm nuts, they just don't get it, I'm glad you do.

I'm your newest follower. :-)

Juliana said...

you are great. EXCEPT... i love the everything bagel! don't have to think much.. just.. everything!

Anonymous said...

wow fuck you everything bagels are EVERYTHING in life. that's why they're called 'everything' bagels.